SELF-COMPASSION

 

We are not islands cut off from one another.  We are relational creatures whose selfhood or identity is mediated through interaction with others and the world in which we all exist.  The Self is not immediately explicit to itself as it needs others to mediate its self-awareness.  We have all read, or at least heard, the lines from Meditation XVII by John Donne (1572–1631) which go:

No man is an island entire of itself; every man

is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;

if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe

is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as

well as any manner of thy friends or of thine

own were; any man's death diminishes me,

because I am involved in mankind.

And therefore never send to know for whom

the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

I write this rather long introduction because of our shared humanity, and our individual identity, which ultimately depends on that shared humanity.  Our identity evolves over time through interaction with significant others.  The Jewish philosopher Martin Buber comments somewhere in his book I and Thou that “in the beginning is relation.”  In other words, we simply cannot get away from our essential and existential relationship with one another.  In this post, I wish to review the book by Dr Christopher K. Germer, The Mindful Path to Self-compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. (The Guilford Press, London & New York, 2009).  We cannot have true and full compassion for others unless we have authentic and real compassion for ourselves.  However, in the reality of our everyday lives, we often do manage to show more compassion for others than we do for ourselves.

We are all, more often than not, our own worst critics.  For years, popular psychology and self-help books have preached about the negative and depressing consequences of the inner critic, that internal voice that scrutinises our behaviour, our appearance and ultimately our self-worth.  That inner voice, which functions like a subpersonality, in fact, not only judges us, but actually demeans us.  We very quickly succumb to what popular psychology or CBT calls Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs for short: "I am not good enough", “It would happen to me, of course!”, "I can't cope", "I'm going to fail", "They don't like me", "It's all my fault", or "I always mess up”).  As Dr Germer points out in the introduction, we instinctively go to battle against unpleasant emotions “as if they are external foes, and fighting them inside only makes matters worse.  Resist anxiety, and it can turn into full-grown panic.  Suppress grief and chronic depression may develop.  Struggling to fall asleep can keep you awake all night long” (p. 3). I loved his simple formula on this score: Pain multiplied by Resistance results in Suffering: P x R = S (p. 15). In short, it is equivalent to going to war with ourselves.  Such attacking of the Self is rooted in our make-up, where our primordial body is genetically hardwired to defend itself through any one or more of the three major defence reactions, the three Fs: Fight, Flight or Freeze.

This book underscores through sound scientific and clinical studies that self-compassion is the very ground of all emotional healing.  It is a counterintuitive and paradoxical fact that, while we all want to avoid suffering, being open to it and responding compassionately to our pain leads to healing. Opening up to our own imperfections, without judgment or self-blame, is an essential step on the path to wellbeing and healing.  Dr Germer offers a step-by-step guide in developing self-compassion through creative and scientifically-grounded strategies and practices that are all clearly stated. To add to the professional nature of this comprehensive book, I find it helpful to be mindful of the fact that the author is a Clinical Instructor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School and is a founding member of the Institute for Meditation and Psychotherapy.

Ancient wisdom that comes to us from the East emphasises that what’s called “Loving-kindness” is something we all need and deserve.  Dr Germer offers a step-by-step guide on how to develop an attitude of loving-kindness towards the Self, and in so doing, enhance our compassion for others along the way.  Sharon Salzberg succinctly observes in the Foreword that “Loving-kindness and compassion, in contrast to fear, reaffirm the healing power of connection…. The true development of self-compassion is the basis for fearlessness, generosity, inclusion, and a sustained loving-kindness and compassion for others. (p. x)

The book is laid out systematically, beginning with Part 1, which describes how one can develop self-compassion. Part II follows, which gives a good selection of practical exercises on how to practise self-compassion as well as useful information from various sources of research. Finally, Part III outlines how each reader would set about customising their own practices of self-compassion.   Dr Germer also adds three informative appendices to this comprehensive and insightful work: the first, which lists quite a thorough selection of emotion-related words, the second, which adds several more self-compassion exercises, and the third, which offers an extensive reading list of books and journals as well as useful websites and a list of helpful organisations.  In short, I would recommend highly this practical and informative book.